Note from Tim: Normally I just post positive testimonies but this sister's email was so powerful I just had to post it. I am sure some of the spouses reading this will be able to relate to the pain, fear, shame, and so on, that always result from sexual sin. The good news is this couple is now in counseling with us and doing well. I hope to have the happy ending to this story posted towards the end of 2017.
I am writing to you because I believe and trust that you can help me and my husband.
On July 6,2016 my husband of 8.5 yrs never came home. This was the first time since we had been married that this had happened and I was worried with grief like I had never been before. His last call to me was at exactly 6:31 pm, which he stated he was on his way home. I waited and waited as I always do for him to walk thru the door, but he never did. The kids began to ask "Where's Dad? Is he on his way home?" All four of them would ask this question over and over again. All I could say was, he'll be home soon, he probably had to work late tonight. As time progressed in the evening, I became so consumed with worry that I called my Mother to come and help me with my children. She came right over and started thinking of what we should do next. 9:00, 10:00, 11:00, 12 am... and still no husband. I was beginning to think something terrible had happened to my beloved husband. I was scared! The kids (3 girls and 1 boy) could not sleep. We all gathered in my bedroom hoping he would walk through the door at any moment, but he never did.
My husband is a …………. at a big school district, here in …………………… and in the summer he gets off work at 5:30. He is always home at least by 6:30 unless he stops by the store of groceries. So it was unusual for him not to come home, plus he had already called to say he was on his way home. I called the police at 3:20 am to report a missing person, my husband. When the police arrived to ask me questions about my husband's whereabouts I could only share what information I knew. The police officer was very kind and very concerned not to wake my children sleeping upstairs. My mom by this time had already left to go home, so I was all alone to deal with what was going on. After I had given the police officer my husband's plate number he told me he would see what he could find out. 10 minutes went by super fast when we asked me to come to his patrol car to talk. He said well, I have some good news and some not so good news. I was shaking with excitement that he had any news while wondering what the bad news could be.
You see, my husband is Christian and believes in the Lord Jesus Christ as his savior. He grew up in the Catholic church and is very familiar with the word of God. He does not drink or smoke. He has never even had a traffic ticket. My husband is a gentle spirit one who speaks softly. Most would describe him as a man who loves his family and is an "above board" person. He is not a trouble maker and does not have many friends outside of work. He enjoys playing pool and getting out with the family when there is time.
We met online in 2007 and fell deeply in love. We were inseparable. I had been married before and I told myself, I would never marry again. But it happened. Our beginnings was beautiful and I will always cherish the memories. As time progressed, my marriage was great, not perfect! We had our share of ups and downs, but there were more ups than downs. I worked while my husband finished his degree and I never complained. It was important for him to finish with school and I was in complete support. Well fast forward to 2016. June…… at 3:48 am the police had informed me that my beloved husband had been arrested. I could not believe what I was hearing. I instantly feel to my knees and the kind police officer pulled me up. I asked what the charges were, but he did not tell me. He said, it was not in the system. He then gave me phone numbers to the police station and suggested that I call and get the details in order to bail him out.
When I called the police station I was immediately informed that my husband had been arrested and charged with prostitution. I was in complete shock and disbelief. I could not believe what I was hearing... I kept saying to myself... My husband...my husband...I just could not believe that my husband would engage in such activity. It was not possible in my eyes. I thought he loved me, I thought I was someone special to him, I thought he was happy, how could he do this to us???? How could this be happening to me, to us. The pain was instant and cut me deeply. A pain that is almost indescribable. I was just shocked, in sheer shock. While dealing with my emotions which were all over the place, emotions and feelings that I did not know existed, I had to rush to the police station for 6 am to bail him out. In some sick way, I did not want him to spend another day in jail. I needed to see him and hear his side of the story. I need to look into his eyes and here what happened.
His release was not immediate. I paid the $500 bail and he was released at 3 pm Thursday... By this time the pain, anger and resentment was settling in as I began to realize what this all of this meant for me and my future, my family. My sister drove me to the station to pick up my husband. When I saw him, I was immediately disgusted and ashamed to even say this person was my husband. I was embarrassed. I had always been so proud of my husband and happy to claim him as my husband. It felt great to be his wife. This time was different. This time I did not know who he was. I wondered what happened to the man I married. I started reflecting on the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, date nights, the countless time we made love wondering did he really care about any of these things.
Once we retrieved his car from the pound, we drove home. I needed to talk to him. I needed to hear what had happened. He told me he was busted for prostitution, but it was not until he told me that he had encountered others in the past. A total of 10 encounters. Of the 10, 3 were massage places. I was devastated. I could not believe he had committed adultery and with prostitutes or anyone. His attitude about the matter was shocking and disturbing. At that time I felt he showed no remorse for his behavior although he apologized. We eventually went to a park and talked for a long time. He shared the stories with me and all I could do was cry and ask questions. I was torn inside...just broken.
That evening all I wanted to do was be in his arms. I wanted him to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be alright. And that's exactly what he did. We even made love and looking back, I am not sure that was a good idea. I guess, I just wanted things to go back to normal, but things would never be the same again. I had zero trust in my husband and still have no trust. The bond we once shared was now broken. He had broken his marriage vows in the worst way imaginable.
Where are we today? Well, he is fighting charges of prostitution and I have agreed to support him through this time. I have also decided not to file for divorce under the terms that we get counseling. We need serious help! As the days passed, we began to talk and I began to research the sites to find an answer about why this was happening to us. I looked up websites and youtube videos. I watched videos that discussed porn and infidelity, how to build trust after cheating... and that is when I came across your site through a recommendation after reading someone's story about how they overcame porn addition.
I am desperately reaching out to you because I need your help, we need your help. We have never been in a situation like this before and for me it is scary. I remain confused and frustrated. I still have zero trust in my husband and need help in learning how to rebuild that trust and cope. I have anxiety everything he uses his cell phone or tablet for anything. I knew deep down in my heart that my husband had an issue with porn considering he has been looking at this since the age of 12. But he always said it was not an issue and he could stop. After hearing the stories of other people struggling with this problem, I knew that in order for us to move forward and I remain in this marriage, he was going to have to get help. He took the assessment and scored 57. I do not know how to encourage him to reach out to you Tim. He said he wants to change in the deepest way. We have started going to mass and spending more and more time together. But I feel in order to be real change, we need someone like you with your experience and wisdom to intervene.
My husband is very private which is why skype and phone would work best for both of us. My sincere prayer is that after you meet my husband, that you would please personally help him come to grips with this problem. Be his accountability partner as we try and rebuild our marriage. Please advise what I should do next. Thank you so much and I look forward to hearing from you soon."