Brother “Larry’s” Testimony, Married

Ten months ago, I was on the mission field, and at the end of my rope.

I had no father figure growing up, so I learned about sex from my peers. I was sexually abused at age 9, which was overlooked by everyone. I got into masturbation and porn at about 10 years old. I came to Christ at 16, and from that day until recently, I lived in the ups and downs of trying to overcome lust and sexual immorality, always failing.

I became a youth pastor and worship leader of my church, always feeling guilty to be leading others spiritually, when I myself was still in bondage.

I married at 22, and thought my years of porn and masturbation would be over. But even then, I struggled on and off with masturbation and pornography. But my secret came out when my wife checked the internet history. I vowed to stop after that day, for my wife, and my newborn daughter. But I didn't know how to stop. Will power was not enough, even for a perfectionist. I eventually fell back into masturbation and pornography, and the subsequent lies and secrets that follow.

When we decided to become missionaries, I knew if I was going to be effective for God, I needed to come clean and get straight. So I confessed to my wife, who was heartbroken, but forgave me again. We went to the mission field, and I stayed clean for a few months, but eventually fell back into masturbation and porn. But what drew the line in the sand was the night I tried to secretly record having sex with my wife, so that I could view it whenever I needed a release. I justified this act as being less “sinful” than viewing other women lustfully. But the fact was, I was simply out of control. I was completely and in all ways a slave of my flesh. Some people think freedom is about doing whatever you want. Well, I did whatever I wanted for years, and became a slave to lust because of it; no longer able to decide for myself.

My wife caught me in the act, and we were at a huge crossroads. Something needed to change. I knew now after a decade of trying on my own that that wasn't going to cut it. I needed help. But I was on the mission field. What was I going to do?

I researched online, and found that Pureheart offered counseling via skype, and I knew I had to do it.

The most important steps for me in this recovery process has been dealing with the spiritual aspect of sexual immorality. This is a fight not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. It is not something I am going to win by physically trying to (though that is a part of it). The main part of this fight is fought spiritually.

Other than keeping a consistent devotional life, the most effective part of the process for me was forming a lasting network of weekly accountability, of which my wife is included. Knowing I will be checking in every week not only reminds me to do my devotionals and other goals, but it is also a huge deterrent to flirt around with lust.

Now with a year of consistent purity, I can say there is no better way to live. There is no more burden of guilt and shame; the fear of secrets being revealed; the stress of watching my back and fighting the Holy Spirit’s conviction, daily trying to justify myself. Those were a lot of heavy burdens, that now having been removed, I don't know how I ever lived before. There is so much more to life beyond the cage of lust and sexual immorality. So much more to marriage. So much more to God.